Finding a Happier Place: Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

When I think too carefully about the torture carried out by the United States Government in my name, I find myself troubled by compassion, disturbance, ennui, and an irritating sense of the willies. These feelings, I find, keep me from enjoying the big football game later in the day. They make me look twice at the salsa. And frankly, they make me a poor conversational partner at the neighborhood potluck.

Nobody wants to be the party downer. So what's a savvy news consumer like me to do when they talk about detainees beaten so hard that the tissues of their muscles break down? What am I to think when I hear of people being slammed into walls to produce the answers interrogators want to hear? What am I to do when I hear the United States Government has frozen people, baked people, and deafened them with noise? How am I possibly to get into my groove for the evening party when I read of two detainees being drowned by my government over two hundred times?

Let's face it, torture is a major downer. What with all these "graduates" of "journalism schools" flooding my favorite websites these days, I'm going to be seeing references to American torture for some time to come. This means I'm just going to have to find some way to deal with the consequent emotions. You know, minimize them and compartmentalize them so I can put them in a nice, tidy little box in the basement, all sealed up with duct tape where that nosy neighbor of mine won't uncover them.

Fortunately, the United States Government has already begun to help me by redefining torture as a set of "enhanced interrogation techniques." If I really wanted to distance myself from the torture, I'd call these EITs. That's what the master of defense mechanisms, Dick Cheney, calls 'em. But there's something nice about "enhanced interrogation techniques" that makes me want to stop there.

Take "Enhanced." I like "Enhanced." It makes me think of my Raisin Bran, Enhanced with sprayed-on Vitamin B-12. It makes me think of some sports car, Enhanced with a new GPS system. It makes me think of my pretty neighbor Sheila and that Enhanced push-up bra she wears. It makes me think of my own cock, Enhanced with Ginseng, Guarana and a bit of Spanish Fly. Oooh, I like that.

Then there's "interrogation." It's got an OK feel to it, especially if you're the one doing the interrogating. Like asking my daughter where the heck she thinks she's going wearing that push-up bra, you know, with those arched eyebrows I practice in the mirror. Or demanding all the latest specs for the GPS System from the Ford Dealer. I want them! Now!

"Techniques" pretty much takes me right back to push-up bra and Spanish Fly territory, which gets me right into the groove for tonight's party.

Put 'em all together and I have an iron-clad defense. Whenever anybody mentions torture on the television or in the paper, I just put an image in my mind of Sheila in her push-up bra, holding a GPS receiver in one hand and a set of furry cuffs in another, demanding where I want the baby oil first. Then all the bad feelings go away, which is what life is all about.

Sarah Palin opposes endangered species protection for polar bears because she denies that global warming is a problem. Yet, arctic ice is at its lower level ever.

Now that Palin is a candidate for Vice President of the United States, polar bears cannot afford to remain silent. Help give polar bears a political voice with this tshirt for polar bears against Palin.

This shirt, like all of those sold by Irregular Times at Skreened, is made in the USA, with no sweatshop labor involved.

This political button helps people in Ohio counter the idea that Bush won. Wear this button to show that you are proud to live in a blue state, even if they call Ohio a red state.

"It's going to drive the racist right wing crazy having to hear the phrase President Obama for the next four years. But, if you think about it, they were already crazy to start with. So, no harm done. Rub it in, just a little, as you celebrate the election of Barack Obama to the White House with this President Obama shirt.

It's made in the USA, by American workers, so there's no sweatshop labor involved, and the money you spend on this shirt goes right back into the American economy. "

Mike Thompson for Congress campaign button

California Democrat Mike Thompson is one of the best leaders in Congress today, with a high ranking on scales measuring sustainable policies. Help re-elect Mike Thompson to Congress with this button.

It's time we recognized the power inherent in renewable energy resources. It's time we harnessed the wind. Support wind farm development and sustainable energy production with this mini 1" button

40 mpg (oval bumper sticker)

Send word through the mail that Barack Obama has your support with these bold political campaign postcards that declare: My vote goes to Obama '08.

Iowa is a frontier state in politics, and is leading the return to traditional liberal values for America. Show your support for liberal idealism in Iowa with this Iowa liberal button.